


More Alive Than Silence

by corialis



Category: Mirage Of Blaze
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-18
Updated: 2010-07-18
Packaged: 2017-10-10 15:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/101298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corialis/pseuds/corialis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takaya wishes he could be happy with the things he's done. Anime coda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Alive Than Silence

**Author's Note:**

> For tammaiya. Happy birthday, dear. Much thanks to prodigy for beta'ing even though she has no idea who these people are. Title stolen from a line from 'Between' by Vienna Teng, summary from the song 'The Tower' by the same artist.

It takes thirty minutes for Takaya to loosen his death grip on the coat because he's lost feeling in his fingers, four hours for him to leave the dock because the cold has started creeping into his bones, and another hour to walk to a nearby hotel. It's another four hours before he falls asleep and by then the birds have gone into a full chorus outside his window.

It takes those nine and a half hours for _I want him_ to sink in.

It's not that he loves him – not yet, at least. But the coat he sleeps with for reasons he can't explain and the scent lingering on its shoulders and the sudden desperate need he feels every time he catches the smell refuse to let him believe that there's no feeling other than fear and irritation. He wants to know where he's gone, but more than that he wants him to come back.

It takes a week before Takaya hears the knock on his hotel room door and he staggers out of bed, blinking in the grey pre-dawn light, and shivers in the early morning cold, loose-fitting pajamas skimming the tops of his feet as he folds his arms over his bare chest.

It doesn't occur to him that this could be anything particularly interesting, but he hasn't been sleeping so it isn't as though this is any great disturbance.

It is almost anticlimactic when he opens the door to see Naoe standing there, looking pale and haggard and just as sleepless as Takaya has been for the past week.

"You…"

It would be appropriate, Takaya thinks, for Naoe to say he has come for his coat. It would be better if he pulled Takaya into his arms and kissed him and they were spared the awkward conversation because it's been a week but it feels like years and that's all Takaya wants.

"Can I come in?"

It takes a tremendous amount of strength for Takaya not to grab Naoe's shirtfront and pull him to him because yes, the conflicted feelings have come back full force, it is far easier to forget someone's faults when they are gone and you hurt so much that you only want them back, but the voice going _forget the past, what matters is you need him_ overrides _he has thousands of years to atone for_. He wants to answer 'only if you promise to stay.'

It is almost physically painful when he steps aside to let him in and the feel of the edge of his jacket brushing against his stomach makes something inside him _twist_. He is so busy staring dumbfounded at the door even when Naoe has walked in that he doesn't notice the sharp tortured look on Naoe's face when he sees his coat lying rumpled on Takaya's obviously-slept-in bed.

It's hard knowing that now that he's here, he suddenly wants him to leave again because he thought he was ready but oh, god, he's not, he wants him but he doesn't and he can't because the part of him that is Kagetora won't accept it and the part of him that's Takaya is terrified.

"Do I get a greeting, Takaya-san?" Naoe asks, and he sounds partially amused but he hesitates as though he is not entirely sarcastic, because he isn't really that sure he will get the answer he wants.

It is too quiet in the room and the sound of the door clicking shut echoes as Takaya closes it and turns around.

"You left me," he says emotionlessly, walking past Naoe and through the door he leaves open every night to catch the breeze off the lake, onto a small balcony. The world is wreathed in fog and shadows and Takaya can't, won't, turn around as he leans his arms on the railing and stares over the water.

"I didn't think you'd mind." Naoe is standing next to him and he is almost-electrifyingly close, close enough that Takaya can feel heat emanating off him but not close enough to touch and it's sending tiny shocks up and down his spine.

"You bastard," he hisses, and he doesn't want to drive him away again but he needs to tell him.

"It seems I was wrong."

"Of course you were wrong." He wants to yell but can't bring himself to break the quiet of the morning so his voice sounds broken and desperate where he wants it to sound imposing and he can feel Kagetora's displeasure.

"I thought it would be…better, if I left."

"Idiot." Name-calling is really the last thing he wants to do but he can't help it. "I can't believe…after everything…"

"Everything is exactly why I couldn't stay."

_It's not important_, Takaya wants to say. _It doesn't matter anymore_. But he'd be lying, because it still does, and he still can't forgive him, but he wants him more than anything he's ever needed regardless. And he can't find the words to explain because he's turned to look at Naoe and the newborn day's sun is just coming up; the light's catching in his hair and illuminating the sharp curves of his face and all Takaya can feel is desire.

It seems as natural as breathing for him to turn and pull Naoe towards him by his shirt as he makes a choked incoherent noise in the back of his throat and presses their lips together. And Naoe hesitates but soon he is returning the kiss and as he feels a hand come up to twine in his hair while another wraps around his back Takaya is finally, finally where he has wanted to be for longer than he can imagine.

It doesn't last nearly long enough, though, as Naoe suddenly pulls back. "You can't imagine what you're asking of me," he says, and turns his head away.

"I don't care," he hisses. "I don't care if you think you're going to destroy me or you can't possibly be forgiven or whatever excuse you've got this time for your self-denial. I don't want excuses, I want you and I know that's wrong because part of me is screaming that I shouldn't need you but I do and if you even dare think about leaving—"

It's only a slight shock when Naoe turns back towards him and maneuvers them so that Takaya has the lake at his back, and he gasps when he feels the cold balcony railing against his skin

"I am not, at the best of times, easy to deal with," Naoe breathes, hand grasping the railing, leaving Takaya almost trapped.

"I don't care," he says harshly, breath catching as he feels Naoe's hips pressing against his own and he knows they both want this as he wraps his hand around the back of Naoe's neck and pulls him down to kiss him again.

It doesn't take long before Takaya is fumbling at Naoe's shoulders, trying to push off his coat while being eternally thankful for his own lack of very much clothing and Naoe laughs into his mouth as he pulls back to shrug off his jacket and undo his tie.

"Don't move," he says, and smiles predatorily.

It doesn't occur to Takaya to worry until Naoe leans around him and he feels something that must be silk snaking around his wrists and holding them to the coldness of the railing, and when he tries to move them he's suddenly dismayed to realize he can't.

"You—"

"Yes," Naoe smiles again as he slides his hand up Takaya's side and this time when he shivers it isn't from the weather.

"But—people—"

"Let them see." The smile doesn't fade. "They can know you're mine."

It seems to Takaya like he should protest this but rational thought seems to leave his head as Naoe kisses him like he wants to devour him and all he can do is arch up helplessly into the touch and bite his lip and try not to moan too loudly when Naoe sinks to his knees.

It hadn't been supposed to happen, Takaya supposes, but somehow when _please come back_ turned into _please don't leave_ it became _please don't stop_ and _oh, god, please, anything_ and he can't even care that anyone could see as he writhes desperately because he thinks he's needed this for longer than he knows.

"Stay," he says when it's over, forehead against Naoe's shoulder.

"For now," he murmurs into Takaya's hair. "For now."


End file.
